NASA crashes satellites on Moon; Moon files lawsuit

The Moon, our quiet unassuming little Earth satellite, filed a lawsuit today for damages as a result of what the Moon’s lawyer termed “a shabby lack of consideration by NASA for my client’s health and safety.”
While NASA declared that “Everything worked out beautifully” in the controlled crash of two scientific probes into the Moon’s South Pole, the Moon was of the opposite opinion. “Couldn’t you hear me screaming in pain?” the Moon asked. “Even if I had any ice, it wouldn’t be enough to pack my crater against the swelling.”

Jupiter Gets Mugged

The planet Jupiter suffered a blow to the region of its southern pole earlier this week. The injury was discovered by an amateur astronomer in Australia. No witnesses are known to have seen the attack, nor is there any security videotape of the period when the attack occurred.
Anyone with information leading to the arrest of the perpetrator of this cowardly assault will be generously rewarded by the victim, Jupiter himself.
Meanwhile your prayers and best wishes for a speedy recovery will be greatly appreciated. Friends are pitching in to help with first aid; Saturn is sending a regular supply of ice till the swelling abates, Neptune has shipped medicines, Mercury has posted APBs (which Uranus has transferred to the internet), while the Moon is sending plenty of chicken soup. Venus is sending around a get-well card and buying flowers. Mars the cop is on the case, with Pluto offering his detective services.
The perp will do time.

How Many Leos Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Aries: He’ll jump up to change it right away, but if you don’t have the right size/type bulb, he’ll forget all about it. If you wait a half hour for anything, he’ll forget about it and go on to the next chore.
Taurus: Wait, I’m not ready to change the bulb. I have to move the stack of ironing out of the way and them I’ll go down to the basement and dig out a bulb. Serves me right for buying whatever’s on sale; they never last. OK, now I’ve got it, now where is that Aries?
Gemini: Too busy answering emails and phone messages to actually do it. Is surveying everyone he knows about which brands are best.